"Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes" (Job 42:6).
Tuesday, October 26. (At West Suffield) Underwent the most dreadful distresses, under a sense of my own unworthiness. It seemed to me I deserved rather to be driven out of the place than to have anybody treat me with any kindness, or come to hear me preach. Verily my spirits were so depressed at this time (as at many others) that it was impossible I should treat immortal souls with faithfulness. I could not deal closely and faithfully with them, I felt so infinitely vile in myself. Oh, what dust and ashes I am, to think of preaching the gospel to others! Indeed I never can be faithful for one moment, but shall certainly "daub with untempered mortar" if God do not grant me special help. In the evening I went to the meetinghouse, and it looked to me near as easy for one to rise out of the grave and preach, as for me. However, God afforded me some life and power, both in prayer and sermon, and was pleased to lift me up and show me that He could enable me to preach! Oh, the wonderful goodness of God to so vile a sinner! Returned to my quarters and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer alone, and mourned that I could not live more to God.
